A woman went to police station to file a report for her missing husband:

Woman: I lost my husband
Inspector: What is his height
Woman: I never noticed
Inspector: Slim or healthy
Woman Not slim can be healthy
Inspector: Color of eyes
Woman: Never noticed
Inspector: Color of hair
Woman: Should be black
Inspector: What was he wearing
Woman: I don't remember exactly
Inspector: Was somebody with him ?????????

Woman: Yes my Labrador dog (Romeo), tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together.

The woman started crying

Inspector: Let's search for the dog first!!!!!!! !!!!!!

A female TV reporter went to have an interview with a farmer, seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease .......

Lady: Good evening Sir, we are here to collect information about the reason that causes Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea what might be the reason ?

The Farmer stared at the reporter and said, "Do you know that the bull screws the cow once a year ? "

The Lady ( getting embarrassed ) :"Well sir, that's a new piece of information. But what is the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow Disease ? "

The Farmer: "Well Madam, do you know that we milk the cow four times a day ? "

The Lady: " Yes! But can you come to the point please ? "

The Farmer: "I am getting to the point Madam ........ Just imagine ........ If I was playing with your breasts, four times a day and screwing you ........ ONLY ........ Once a year, would you also not get mad ? "

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from New Delhi , and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning.

He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.

The second man had married a woman from Mumbai.

He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.

On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Punjabi girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

Prince Charles & Sardarji were having dinner.
Prince said, "Pass the wine you divine".
Sardar thinks "how poetic"
Sardar says, "pass the custard you bastard".

Sardar at bar in New York.
Man on his right says "Johny Walker single"
Man on his left says "Peter Scotch single"
Sardar says - "Baljith Singh Married"

Boss : am giving u job as a driver. STARTING salary Rs.2000/-, is it o.k
Sardar : U R great sir! Starting salary is o.k.......but??
how much is DRIVING salary...?

Sardar's theory : Moon is more impt than Sun, coz it gives light at
night when light is needed & Sun gives light during the day when light
is not needed!!!

2 sardars are driving a Car, one puts on the indicator and asks the
other to check whether its working, he puts his head out and says
YES...NO...YES...NO...YES...NO...

Sardar shouting 2 his girl friend " u said v will do register marriage
and cheated me, I was waiting 4 u yesterday whole day in the post
office....

Sardar is in a dissection class of cockroach. He cuts its 1 leg, and
says, "chal", it walks.
He cuts 2nd and 3rd legs and said, "chal" , it walks.
He cuts all the legs and said, "chal...." Finally he wrote the conclusion......
...... "after all the legs of a cockroach are cut - it becomes deaf......"

A Tamilian call up sardar and asks " tamil therima??"
Sardar got mad, angrily replied.... "Hindi tera baap!!!"

2 sardarjis looking at Egyptian mummy.
Sar 1 : Look so many bandages, pakka lorry accident case.
Sar 2 : Aaho, lorry number is also written...BC 1760!!!....

A sardar on an interview 4 da post detective.
Interviewer : who killed Gandhi?
Sardar : Thank u sir 4 giving me d job, I will start investigating.......

A sardar for an exam had studied only one essay 'FRIEND', but in the
exam the essay which came was 'FATHER' . he replaced friend with father
in the essay and>it read: AM A VERY FATHERLY PERSON, I HAVE LOTS OF FATHERS,
SOME OF MY FATHERS ARE MALE AND SOME ARE FEMALE. MY TRUE
FATHER IS MY NEIGHBOUR.

Interviewar: what s ur qualification?
Sardarji : Sir I am Ph.d.
Interviewar : what do u mean by Ph.d?
Sardarji : (smiling) PASSED HIGHSCHOOL with DIFFICULTY....

Amitab : In which state Cauvery flows?
Sardar: liquid state.....
Audience clapped.. Amitab stunned, looks behind, ALL WERE SARDARS

1. If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry!
Just remove the damn battery from the clock and Enjoy life!

2. Expecting the world to treat u fairly coz u r a good person is like expecting the lion not to attack u coz u r a vegetarian.
Think about it.

3. Beauty isn't measured by outer appearance and what clothes we wear, but what we are inside.
So, try going out naked tomorrow and see the admiration!

4. Don't walk as if you rule the world, walk as if you don't care who rules the world!
That's called Attitude…! Keep on rocking!

5. Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did
and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did!!!

6. He was a good man. He never smoked, drank had no affair. When he died, the insurance company refused the claim.
They said , he who never lived, cannot die!

7. A man threw his wife in a pond of Crocodiles?
He's now being harassed by the Animal Rights Activists for being cruel to the Crocodiles!

8. So many options for suicide:

Poison, sleeping pills, hanging,
jumping from a building, lying on train tracks,
but we chose Marriage, slow sure!

9. Only 20 percent boys have brains, rest have girlfriends!

10. All desirable things in life are either illegal, banned, expensive or married to someone else!

12. When things go wrong, when sadness fills your heart, When tears flows from your eyes always say these words…
"chal daru la"…bring booze..sure helps!

13. 10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving.
Which makes it a logical statement that 90% of accidents are due to driving without drinking!

HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours

HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too !

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must have been given your share !

HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend !

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!

HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!

HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck !

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down .

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

SO BEWARE OF WHAT YOU ASK FOR !!!

HIS

1. Pull up to ATM


2. Insert card


3. Enter PIN number and account


4. Take cash, card and receipt

HER

1. Pull up to ATM


2. Check makeup in rear view mirror


3. Shut off engine


4. Put keys in purse


5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine


6. Hunt for card in purse


7. Insert card


8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it


9. Enter PIN number


10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.


11. Hit "cancel"


12. Re-enter correct PIN number


13. Check balance


14. Look for envelope


15. Look in purse for pen


16. Make out deposit slip


17. Endorse checks


18. Make deposit


19. Study instructions


20. Make cash withdrawal


21. Get in car


22. Check makeup


23. Look for keys


24. Start car


25. Check makeup


26. Start pulling away


27. STOP


28. Back up to machine


29. Get out of car


30. Take card and receipt


31. Get back in car


32. Put card in wallet


33. Put receipt in checkbook


34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook


35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook


36. Check makeup


37. Put car in gear, reverse


38. Put car in drive


39. Drive away from machine


40. Travel 3 miles


41. Release parking brake

When things go wrong,
When sadness fills your heart,
When tears flow in your eyes,



Just let me know...........
I want to be there for you,
BECAUSE

... .... . . . . .. .. .. . . . ... .... . . . . .. .. .. . . .
... .... . . . . .. .. .... .... . . . . .. .. .. . . .
... .... . . . . .. .. .. . . . ... .... . . . . .. .. .. . . .
... .... . . . . .. .. .... .... . . . . .. .. .. . . .


My cousin is selling Tissue Paper...
Buy 1, Get 1 Free!

Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.

Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.

Wife - have you brought the saree.
Husband - Bad command or file name.

Wife - but I told you about it in morning
Husband - erroneous syntax, aborts, retry, and cancel.

Wife - hae bhagwan! Forget it where's your salary.
Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.

Wife - at least give me your credit card, I can do some shopping.
Husband - sharing violation, access denied.

Wife - I made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband - data type mismatch.

Wife - you are useless.
Husband - by default.

Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.

Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission.

Wife - what is my value in your life?
Husband - unknown virus detected.

Wife - do you love me or your computer?
Husband - Too many parameters.

Wife - I will go to my dad's house.
Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.

Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.

Wife - it is worthless talking to you.
Husband - shut down the computer.

Wife - I am going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer

LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

**********

LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

**********

LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR : After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

**********

LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

**********

LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

**********

BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

**********

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

**********

LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!

**********

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

**********

THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.

*********

LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Anonymous

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?

Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Sigmund Freud

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

Anonymous

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

Sam Kinison

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."

James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Patrick Murra

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...

Nash

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Anonymous